Well today was another fast paced fun-filled day. And I'm half serious half sarcastic when I say that. I got more sleep last night which was a definite change. I needed it; I woke up a lot happier. I won't go through all the details of the day today. I'll just summarize. Today it Snowed!!!! My mom, Becca and I (and my kids) went shopping today at shopko, and costco. It was fun at the beginning, my kids woke up happy. And in the car Jade and Amoz quoted grandma saying " It's the party van." However, it didn't stay that way. At Shopko, they started to test me and frustrate my mom and sister. They were that unhappy. We also had the added problem of Amoz accidentally seeing what his sister got for him for christmas. I pretended to put it back because he has the memory of an elephant, but really put it in the cart underneath him. But he was devastated that he hadn't gotten anything from the store like Jade had. He figured that meant he wasn't getting any presents for christmas.(probably a bad move on my part but it was hard to think clear at that point) That made it very difficult to cheer him up. Luckily my family did a great job of being persistent and loving to him, which I appreciate. (a phone call to his daddy also helped with that.) They're good at helping me out. Even when the kids are annoying and driving them crazy. Which I feel bad and embarrassed about. But what can you do? They're 4 and 2, they're supposed to test you at those ages. Even if we don't like it. I really can't complain I have 2 excellent children, and truth be told when to me they're being "bad" in my eyes, to others they're still angels, so I have to give them credit where credit is due.
We all took a nap after getting home from Costco and eating lunch. That was nice. When naps were over I helped mom get Rebecca's birthday dinner going (potatoes and BBQ Ribs with croissants too) I have to admit I actually kept to my diet for dinner. It was especially good since I blew it at lunch. It makes me feel better when I don't cheat myself. We did cake and opened presents. She got a shirt from Mitch, a bike from mom and dad and a coat and scarf from me. She loved the scarf but not the coat, which I regret to say, really bummed me out. I guess I was so sure she would love it that it hurt a little to see that she didn't like it. So I told her I'd take it back tomorrow. Which I will. All the kids helped clean up after dinner. That's when the night ended pretty much.
But it brings me to my rant for the night. I hate it when I'm selfish. I mean I really hate it, especially when I'm not really aware that I am being that way. It makes one upset and disappointed in everything and everyone around you. It eats at your mind and feelings and brings you down. It irritates and often times hurts the ones around you, usually your loved ones and close friends. Being selfish keeps you from sharing, serving, nurturing, loving, listening, forgiving, and a I could go on and on. It makes you spiteful and hard hearted. NONE of these things helps in any aspect of our lives. Especially our relationships with loved ones, family, friends and most importantly our Heavenly Father. It causes us to drive people away. Either us chasing or them running of their own accord.
A lot of selfishness I feel comes from us trying to make people fit us when we should be fitting ourselves to others. Not changing who we are at the core, but making ourselves more maleable, so as to be able to love others as unconditionally as our Lord loves us. Then all of those characteristics we were lacking before can emerge and grow until it no longer takes effort for us to have true charity towards others.
I share this because I have caught myself being selfish before, but in the last 2 or 3 days have discovered new ways I have been selfish. Tonight I caught myself pouting and feeling sorry for myself. Thinking of myself and how picked on I was. These feelings came out of my pride being hurt. (though it took me till now to pinpoint it). Selfishness! It's a sneaky little bugger. And though I don't know if my thoughts took on actions that hurt those around me I feel responsibility to apologize and ask forgiveness for the hurt I may ( or may not) have caused. My challenge: to remember, think of and serve others. Not just think but ACT. Though it may be hard and maybe even forced at first we will be rewarded with those attributes we require most to return to our Heavenly father, and He will make it easier and easier as we strive each day to do so. Soon our "work" will become more convenient, it will seem more like service, then maybe to a simple pleasure, and soon after that it will be our Joy!
I hope to read this again soon to help myself establish good goals of service. To one day have true Charity. That day I'm sure is a while in coming but I look forward to it none-the-less.
1 year ago